'Signs' Say No Guns Allowed

by Roger Spiceland

WARNING: If you plan on seeing the recently released motion picture "Signs" starring Mel Gibson, and do not wish to know the ending--which is not that hard to figure out anyway--do not read any further. On the other hand, if you wish to see how Hollywood continues to manufacture fantasy by ignoring the efficacy of firearms when protecting one's own life, liberty and property, then read on!

Yep, my wife and I recently went to see this movie. In a nutshell, it's about a Pennsylvania farmer named Graham Hess (played by Gibson) who discovers mysterious, so-called "crop circles" in his cornfield. As anyone who's ever seen the cover of one of those tabloid mags at the supermarket checkout line knows, crop circles have allegedly been attributed to UFOs and the like, although the vast majority of the crop circles have been proven to be mere hoaxes. Well it turns out that this time, extraterrestrial aliens bent on subjugating the human race are actually making the crop circles, using the geometric patterns as navigational beacons for their impending invasion upon humanity.

Until his wife's recent accidental death, farmer Hess was an Episcopalian priest. Following his wife's death, he lost his faith, abandoned his priesthood, and ostensibly took up farming full time (the movie never really explains if he was a full-time farmer prior to his fall). So with his two young children and brother at his side (played hilariously by Joaquin Phoenix), Hess prepares to battle the aliens as news reports hype the crop circles (which by now have been appearing all over the world) and alien UFO formations that have been present over major world cities. These aliens are visiting even Hess' farmhouse as they reconnoiter the area before invading.

So Hess and family board up the house and dig in for the impending invasion. With not so much as even a steak knife for protection, the family eventually retreats to the cellar as the aliens descend en masse upon the house. Barricaded in the cellar, the family is able to endure the invasion until the next morning, as radio reports begin to filter in that the aliens have called off their invasion of Earth. The reason: Earthlings fought off the aliens using "ancient methods" (Could they have been a little more vague?).

So Hess and family emerge from their cellar exhausted but alive, and they assume all the aliens have left as the radio reports suggested. But no, one of the aliens apparently has been left behind, and he snatches Hess' only son and is seconds away from offing him with some sort of poison gas emitted from his fingers.

So shoot the bastard, right? What, no gun? Well then, just grab a baseball bat and "swing away." That's right, simply clobber that evildoer with a Louisville Slugger and you, too, can save the world. Okay, so it also turns out that these particular aliens have an intense negative reaction to water. Thus, through a clever bit of foreshadowing (screenwriter jargon for highlighting a seemingly benign object, act, circumstance, etc., that later in the movie has profound significance), there are lots of glasses of water placed about the room where this alien is being pummeled by Hess' brother with the baseball bat. And so, worldwide domination by aliens is thwarted by the "ancient methods" of bludgeoning and soaking, though not in that particular order.

What's indeed so fascinating about this particular flick, which by the way was written and directed by the highly acclaimed M. Night Shyamalan of "The Sixth Sense" fame, is the total lack of acknowledgment, or even mention, that firearms just might be, perhaps, used as an effective defensive weapon. If a baseball bat proved effective, then why oh why could not a twelve-gauge, pump action shotgun have done the trick? Or just imagine the terror that those aliens would have felt as a strategically placed sniper with an AR-15 rained lead upon them. Board up the house? Retreat to the cellar? Why not, "On the roof boys, and grab your banana clips, there's an alien invasion afoot!"

No, this just would not do in contemporary, leftist Hollywood. Indeed, you think it's possible that Hollywood would actually portray firearms in a positive light? Or that Hollywood would even remotely suggest that firearms could actually be used to defend one's home, protect one's family, or even (gasp) save the world? Not a chance. Forget the fact that this particular invasion took place in rural Pennsylvania, an area with a very high rate of gun ownership. And can you imagine any farmer -- that racist, xenophobic, gun-toting, self-reliant yuk in flyover country -- not having at least one gun in the house? Nope, Hollywood typically only portrays guns as evil weapons of destruction toted by criminals, bad cops, and of course rural, slack-jawed yocals. Not even a former priest, as evil as they have been portrayed lately by the leftist media, is allowed to practice his Second Amendment rights if they are being used in any sort of way that could be even remotely construed as noble. Now, if the priest was shown using a gun to force sexual favors from a young altar boy, then by all means, roll cameras!

So if you happen upon any of those mysterious, geometric patterns in your corn or wheat field or notice any unusual light formations in the sky, just forget about that shotgun or rifle and grab that Louisville slugger and simply swing away. You probably won't survive, but the Left will love you for it.

Roger C. Spiceland lives in Macon, GA. He has a B.A. in Russian and a MBA in marketing, and works in marketing and sales for a major international transportation company. He is a Marine Corps veteran and proud slack-jawed yocal.

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