Your Safety is a Relative Issue

By Mike Straw

Albert Einstein quipped, “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.”

Americans don’t much study relativity -or anything else. TVs keep getting bigger, but our minds keep shrinking.

Regardless, scientific relativity invades our lives at the most inopportune moments.

We confuse one thing with another.

The sheep who style themselves “citizens,” who daily earn that appellation through the strenuous pushing of difficult buttons on their remote as they angrily blame the TV manufacturers for not arranging a way to push a button and simply have a frosty mug of their favorite beer appear in their uncalloused hands, make the often-fatal mistake of confusing a blue uniform with blue tights, a badge for a red “S.”

They fervently wish, after the fact, that their flying superheroes will magically appear before their frightened eyes, just in the nick of time, to once again save the day after going through the strenuous exercise of pushing the buttons “nine” and “one” on their ubiquitous cell phones -they’re vexed because they had to push the button for “one” twice.

In their confusion, the sheep actually believe that the “public servants,” mercenaries, really, are at their beck and call, owing them as individuals the obligation to save their miserable hides every time the boogeyman flutters the curtains.

After all, they do pay taxes, don’t they?

They see it on their expensive TVs every night on every Western -pardon, now they’re “cop dramas” -the good guys -the sheep - always get saved by “someone else,” right?

Even the ads on their TVs back up the theory: alarm companies claim that if you pay exorbitant amounts for their silly box -which will be ripped out of the wall and disconnected by the bad guys long before the thirty-second disarm cycle ends - that the gullible sheep can now feel safe.

Extremist victim disarmament spokesmen soothingly advise them to “just give them what they want!” echoed on every “reality” program, where uniformed prostitutes - er, “officials,” solemnly advise, “never resist!” in the face of incident after incident where the very resistance to illegal aggression has just been proven to have been the only course which kept the valiant Warrior alive.

Reality - God - doesn’t care how much you make, the size of your estate, or all the other trivial, mundane details of daily life that make us all unique individuals.

If you’re a half-million-dollar-a-year surgeon in your hundred-thousand-dollar SUV reaching for your dropped pager or a teen-age drug user in your stolen jalopy reaching for your dropped joint, when you come back up and see that bridge abutment racing towards your frightened countenance at eighty-five miles-per-hour, you’ll be just as dead.

Similarly, confusing the availability of public servants with their presence at your specific location, headlines daily flaunt, “Elizabeth Smart kidnapped at gunpoint from her own bedroom!” when the simple truth was, not only was the alarm in the one point one-nine million dollar, six-thousand six hundred square foot, six bedroom mansion off, but the garage door was open.

What warning could she possibly have expected?

“But that’s what I pay taxes for!” Sorry. Go talk to your lawyer. Ain’t so.

Not only do the mercenaries - pardon, public servants, not obligated to show up when want them, even if you had a witnessed, written contract to protect you specifically, when they purposely headed in the opposite direction for donuts and coffee (now that’s never been done before) you can’t sue them for it!

Author John Steinbeck accurately assessed, “The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

Clint Smith, founder of Thunder Ranch and master instructor, advised, “If you look like food, you will be eaten.”

Let me rephrase that: if you think like a sheep, you will be devoured by evil.

“Baa - er, what should I do?”

First, find a mirror. That’s the proper basic tool to discover who’s ultimately responsible for your well-being - and that of your precious family.

Next, get a copy of Lieutenant Colonel “Jeff” Cooper’s book, “The Principles of Personal Defense” available from

If you haven’t wimped out yet, the next step is to take the “Refuse to be a Victim” course from the National Rifle Association –wait, wait, there’re no nasty firearms, and all the folks there will be recovering sheep like us.

It’s simply a program to open your eyes to the fact that you have choices. You make the decisions - it’s your life.

Next, a copy of “Jim Grover’s” book, “Street Smarts,” from the same website. There’s a quiz in the back you’ll wish to take.

If you’re still with me after that, it’s back to the NRA for their “Basics of Personal Protection in the Home” course.

We’re simply expanding your horizons here, no need to get flustered.

If you’ve proved yourself adult enough by this point, let’s try a new website:

The videos we’re looking for are, first, Paul Vunak’s “Street Safe,” the Chris Clugston’s “Combat JKD.”

If you haven’t fainted, and feel brave, try “Surprise Attacks,” by Tom Proctor and “Killer Instinct,” by Demi Barbito.

Now let’s buy a few inexpensive items: a mini-Maglite® flashlight and a few inexpensive books: “The Official Kubotan Manual” by Takayuki Kubota and John Peters, and “In the Gravest Extreme,” by Massad Ayoob, both available at

If you’re still with me at this point, congratulations!

Although you’ll be a recovering sheep for the rest of your life, with proper planning, you’ll never feel compelled to douse yourself with mint sauce again!