Mad Hatters of UN Land
© 2003 by Doug Patton
April 7, 2003
there was a place of whimsy, where people who had no use for
reality could go and have their wildest fantasies indulged.
This place was known as UN Land, and it was run by people
who could only be described as resembling the Mad Hatter from
“Alice in Wonderland.”
Many of the folks
who populated UN Land represented cruel and strange nations
that held their people in bondage and committed horrible atrocities
upon them. But this did not matter one bit, because the Mad
Hatters had decreed that everyone’s worldview was equal
in UN Land.
Those who came
from free lands objected to this notion, but the Mad Hatters
only laughed. They put their worst and most brutal members
in charge of Human Rights Committees and allowed the most
warlike among them to chair talks on disarmament. These folks
would never allow a vote within their own borders, but they
always demanded one in UN Land.
settled among nations by the Mad Hatters were notoriously
flawed, generally allowing for the splitting of countries
along strange boundaries and calling truces between mortal
enemies. One such truce left the people in the North starving
under a repressive ruler, while the South flourished in prosperity.
But since the Mad Hatters considered all views and philosophies
of government to be equal, none of this mattered, and this
nation remained divided for fifty years.
Then, one day,
a terrible, unprovoked attack on the Land of the Free forced
the Mad Hatters to look at the storehouse of weapons being
held by one of their members, whose leader, known far and
wide as the Evil One, claimed he had no such weapons. The
Land of the Free claimed that the peace of the world was at
stake, but the Evil One and his fellow Hatters were of another
opinion, throwing all of UN Land into a quandary.
shall we do?” The Hatters asked each other. “We
can’t condemn the Evil One for his deeds, lest we be
scrutinized ourselves. Besides, we’ve warned him sixteen
warn him again,” someone suggested. And so the did.
In a unanimous voice, they all voted for the seventeenth time
to warn the Evil One to be nice and tell them where his weapons
The Evil One
laughed and said again that he had no weapons, so the Hatters
decided to send one of their own – Inspector Hans Hatter,
as mad a hatter as had ever lived in UN Land – to engage
the Evil One in a game of Hide and Seek.
For months, Inspector
Hans searched and searched, periodically reporting back to
UN Land, asking for more time to complete the game.
the Evil One would actually let something be found, at which
time Inspector Hans would scurry back to UN Land and, being
careful not to actually condemn the Evil One, report that
his was an important job, indeed, because how else could it
the Land of the Free poised with its great army at the doorstep
of the Evil One, the assembled Hatters were in a panic.
“What shall we do?”
“Let’s do nothing!”
Shouted another just before plunging his head directly into
“Oui!” Said another.
“Let us do nothing!”
So the volunteer
warriors from the Land of the Free set off on their own with
a sigh to do what they had always done before: save the world
from itself. The Hatters were furious. They blustered and
demanded vote number eighteen.
The Evil One
threatened terrible things, but the Free Warriors rolled into
his land with ease. And as the smoke began to clear over the
battlefield, the sounds of the Hatters could be heard in the
distance. They were chattering about how important their role
was and who should make the peace.
But no one was listening. Not
Doug Patton is a freelance
columnist who has served as a political speechwriter and public
policy advisor at the federal, state and local levels. His
weekly columns can be read in newspapers across the country
and at www.GOPUSA.com. He also writes for the Talon News Service.
Readers can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org